Thursday, August 26, 2010

Wretched: Who's the Mean Guy?

Grace Gems: The best way to run the goats out of the church!

(D. J. Ward)

"Feed My sheep." John 21:17

"Feed the flock of God entrusted to you." 1 Peter 5:2

The best way to purify the church and keep it pure--is to get rid of all the goats! And the best way to run the goats out of the church--is to feed them 'sheep food'. God's sheep will grow in grace under the preaching of grace--but goats will go hungry because they choke on 'sheep food'. They will soon leave and go somewhere else. Preach sovereign grace!

“Now I commit you to God and to the message of His grace, which is able to build you up and to give you an inheritance among all who are sanctified." Acts 20:32


Grace Gems

Monday, August 23, 2010

Grace Fellowship: Ahaz, Isaiah, and Immanuel: Hope for the Hopeless

12/06/2009
Isaiah 7

Now we come to the section that most interests us, but we need to see all this other stuff in order to know what is going on and why what is about to be said in these next verses to King Ahaz is significant to him. Look at verse 10 and follow along as I read.

10 Again the Lord spoke to Ahaz, 11 “Ask a sign of the Lord your God; let it be deep as Sheol or high as heaven.”

How amazing is this? God AGAIN speaks to this wicked king and says to him, “Ask of Me any kind of sign you can think of, and I will do it in order to assure you that the things I have just promised you WILL come to pass. Israel and Syria will not lay a hand on you. If you want a sign from me to prove it, just ask.”

When was the last time you could have used a sign from God about something in your life? How would you like to know for certain that some particular thing either was or was not going to take place? Ahaz and all the people of Judah are terrified of these two kings who want to come in, kill their armies, kill the king, and place “the son of Tabeel” on the throne. They already have the new replacement king picked out! But God says to Ahaz, “Their plans shall not stand, and I’ll prove it to you by giving you a sign. What would you like to see Me do?”


Full Sermon Notes
[For sermon audio click here]

Grace Gems: Our thoughts build our character

Our thoughts build our character

(J. R. Miller, "The Lesson of Love" 1903)

"When, on my bed, I think of You, I meditate on You during the night watches." Psalm 63:6

It is a law of life--that our thoughts build our character.

If we meditate on the purity, the holiness, the goodness, the love, the righteousness, of Christ--these qualities will print themselves upon our own hearts.

Paul has given us an infallible direction for the best spiritual culture.
"Whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely,
whatever is admirable--
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--
think about such things
!" Philippians 4:8

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Grace Gems

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Funny: Changing Light Bulbs

***
WARNING: This is not an exclusive list of Christian denominations.

They are in no particular order, so you will have to discern which is which. :-)
**
*

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: At least ten, as they need to hold a debate into whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they may not go ahead and change it for fear of alienating those who use fluorescent tubes.

***

Q: How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a bulb?

A: No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

***

Q: How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

***

Q: How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "What's a light bulb?"

***

Q: How many youth pastors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.

***

Q: How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

***

Q: How many Anglo-Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They always use candles instead.

***

Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.
A: One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!

***

Q: How many Evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.

***

Q: How many Atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. But they are still in darkness.

***

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on. (Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.)

***

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

***

Q: How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

***

Q: How many Baptist's does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The whole congregation needs to vote on it!

***

Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 10. Five to determine how many can be changed in the next 5 years, four to raise the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!

***

Q: How many Universalists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

***

Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more light bulb has burned out.

***

Q: How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 4 ladies. One to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.

***

Source: Answering Islam

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Semi-Pelagian Narrower Catechism

1. Q: What is the chief end of each individual Christian?
A: Each individual Christian's chief end is to get saved. This is the first and great commandment.

2. Q: And what is the second great commandment?
A: The second, which is like unto it, is to get as many others saved as he can.

3. Q: What one work is required of thee for thy salvation?
A: It is required of me for my salvation that I make a Decision for Christ, which meaneth to accept Him into my heart to be my personal lord and saviour

4. Q: At what time must thou perform this work?
A: I must perform this work at such time as I have reached the Age of Accountability.

5. Q: At what time wilt thou have reached this Age?
A: That is a trick question. In order to determine this time, my mind must needs be sharper than any two-edged sword, able to pierce even to the division of bone and marrow; for, alas, the Age of Accountability is different for each individual, and is thus unknowable.

6. Q: By what means is a Decision for Christ made?
A: A Decision for Christ is made, not according to His own purpose and grace which was given to me in Christ Jesus before the world began, but according to the exercise of my own Free Will in saying the Sinner's Prayer in my own words.

7. Q: If it be true then that man is responsible for this Decision, how then can God be sovereign?
A: He cannot be. God sovereignly chose not to be sovereign, and is therefore dependent upon me to come to Him for salvation. He standeth outside the door of my heart, forlornly knocking, until such time as I Decide to let Him in.

8. Q: How then can we make such a Decision, seeing that the Scripture saith, we are dead in our trespasses and sins?
A: By this the Scripture meaneth, not that we are dead, but only that we are sick or injured in them.

9. Q: What is the assurance of thy salvation?
A: The assurance of thy salvation is, that I know the date on which I prayed the Sinner's Prayer, and have duly written this date on an official Decision card.

10. Q: What is thy story? What is thy song?
A: Praising my Savior all the day long.

11. Q: You ask me how I know he lives?
A: He lives within my heart.

12. Q: And what else hast thou got in thine heart?
A: I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.

13. Q: Where??
A: Down in my heart!

14. Q: Where???
A: Down in my heart!!

15. Q: What witness aid hath been given us as a technique by which we may win souls?
A: The tract known commonly as the Four Spiritual Laws, is the chief aid whereby we may win souls.

16. Q: What doth this tract principally teach?
A: The Four Spiritual Laws principally teach, that God's entire plan for history and the universe centereth on me, and that I am powerful enough to thwart His divine purpose if I refuse to let Him pursue His Wonderful Plan for my life.

17. Q: What supplementary technique is given by which we may win souls?
A: The technique of giving our own Personal Testimony, in the which we must always be ready to give an answer concerning the years we spent in vanity and pride, and the wretched vices in which we wallowed all our lives until the day we got saved.

18. Q: I'm so happy, what's the reason why?
A: Jesus took my burden all away!

19. Q: What are the means given whereby we may large crowds of souls in a spectacular manner?
A: Such a spectacle is accomplished by means of well-publicized Crusades and Revivals which (in order that none may be loath to attend) are best conducted anywhere else but in a Church.

20. Q: Am I a soldier of the Cross?
A: I am a soldier of the Cross if I join Campus Crusade, Boys' Brigade, the Salvation Army, or the Wheaton Crusaders; of if I put on the helmet of Dispensationalism, the breastplate of Pietism, the shield of Tribulationism, and the sword of Zionism, having my feet shod with the gospel of Arminianism.

21. Q: Who is your boss?
A: My boss is a Jewish carpenter.

22. Q: Hath God predestined vessels of wrath to Hell?
A: God hath never performed such an omnipotent act, for any such thing would not reflect His primary attribute, which is Niceness.

23. Q: What is sanctification?
A: Sanctification is the work of my free Will, whereby I am renewed by having my Daily Quiet Time.

24. Q: What rule hath God for our direction in prayer?
A: The rule that we must bow our hands, close our heads, and fold our eyes.

25. Q: What doth the Lord's Prayer teach us?
A: The Lord's Prayer teacheth us that we must never memorize a prayer, or use one that hath been written down.

26. Q: What's the book for thee?
A: The B-I-B-L-E.

27. Q: Which are among the first books which a Christian should read to his soul's health?
A: Among the first books which a Christian should read are the books of Daniel and Revelation, and The Late Great Planet Earth.

28. Q: Who is on the Lord's side?
A: He who doth support whatsoever is done by the nation of Israel, and who doth renounce the world, the flesh, and the Catholic Church.

29. Q: What are the seven deadly sins?
A: The seven deadly sins are smoking, drinking, dancing, card-playing, movie-going, baptizing babies, and having any creed but Christ.

30. Q: What is a sacrament?
A: A sacrament is an insidious invention devised by the Catholic Church whereby men are drawn into idolatry.

31. Q: What is the Lord's Supper?
A: The Lord's Supper is a dispensing of saltines and grape juice, in the which we remember Christ's command to pretend that they are His body and
blood.

32. Q: What is baptism?
A: Baptism is the act whereby, by the performance of something that seems quite silly in front of everyone, I prove that I really, really mean it.

33. Q: What is the Church?
A: The Church is the tiny minority of individuals living at this time who have Jesus in their hearts, and who come together once a week for a sermon, fellowship and donuts.

34. Q: What is the office of the keys?
A: The office of the keys is that office held by the custodian.

35. Q: What meaneth "The Priesthood Of All Believers"?
A: The Priesthood Of All Believers meaneth that there exists no authority in the Church, as that falsely thought to be held by elders, presbyters, deacons, and bishops, but that each individual Christian acts as his own authority in all matters pertaining to the faith.

36. Q: Who is the Holy Spirit?
A: The Holy Spirit is a gentleman Who would never barge in.

37. Q: How long hath the Holy Spirit been at work?
A: The Holy Spirit hath been at work for more than a century: expressly, since the nineteenth-century Revitalization brought about by traveling Evangelists carrying tents across America.

38. Q: When will be the "Last Days" of which the Bible speaketh?
A: The "Last Days" are these days in which we are now living, in which the Antichrist, the Beast, and the Thief in the Night shall most certainly appear.

39. Q: What is the name of the event by which Christians will escape these dreadful entities?
A: The event commonly known as the Rapture, in the which it is our Blessed Hope that all cars driven by Christians will suddenly have no drivers.

40. Q: When is Jesus coming again?
A: Maybe morning, maybe noon, maybe evening, and maybe soon.

41. Q: When the roll, roll, roll, is called up yonder, where will you be?
A: There.

42. Q: Hallelu, hallelu, hallelu, hallelujah!
A: Praise ye the Lord!

43. Q: Praise ye the Lord!
A: Hallelujah!

44. Q: Where will we meet again?
A: Here, there, or in the air.

45. Q: What can a pastor say while all heads are bowed?
A. Yes, I see that hand.

46. Q. How is a person saved?
A. If you walk this aisle…”

47. Q. And what requirement is there if you should fall into sin?
A. You just need to rededicate your life to God.

48. Q: Can I hear an Ay-men?
A: Ay-men.

Source